i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
