dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
