T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
