dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
