I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
