I got chris browned last night
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
In other news, I just burned my penis
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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