i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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