I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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