You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
