I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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