i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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