mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Randomize
