I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
