please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
3pm strippers are depressing
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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