Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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