Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
