I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
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