I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
