you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
