i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
