Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
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