I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
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