No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
