My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Randomize
