new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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