Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
