I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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