Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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