sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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