dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
