I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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