She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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