god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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