I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
