goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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