I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
