it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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