dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i drank out of a bidet.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
