i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
