So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
