You can't motorboat a personality
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
