I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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