I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
