She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
