we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize