got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
