Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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