So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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