I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
