I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
im six kinds of drunk right now
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Randomize
