I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
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