i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
