is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
