Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
