I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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