My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
