The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Randomize
