I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
