Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
