I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
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