Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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